Diary of a Crap Wife: We’re having an Elfs themed party (Young, free, single in your area.)

You may notice that I’m a few hours late uploading this blog instalment.  I don’t want to make excuses, but it really isn’t my fault.  I completed the blog around 11.30pm and was happily proof reading when a little chat box popped up asking Do you want to chat?’ Yes I thought, there’s nothing I like more than a chat, I’ve got a cup of tea, a packet of fags, and a few minutes to spare before bed- maybe it’s one of the readers from the blog, maybe they have an great idea or story to share…!
I clicked on the box and was told that ‘Laura’ was single and in my area. Pretty girl, little bit forward, but we’re all young once.  ‘How are you, Laura’ I asked?  ‘Horny and single’ was the immediate response.  Not quite what I was expecting, but right-oh.

‘Oh right, what are you up to?’ I tentatively typed.
‘Looking for fun.’ She replied.

Ah, something I can relate to, I’m always looking for fun.  Never one to miss an opportunity for self promotion, I typed:
‘You should read my blog- there are plenty of ideas in there about how to keep from being bored…’

‘Do you like webcam?’ She answered.
Now I don’t know about you, but I’m highly suspicious of my web cam.  I see it as a little ticking time bomb that could ruin my life at anytime.  I’m only ever a mouseclick away from being by broadcast  in my SpongeBob pyjamas because I’ve hit the wrong key trying to play pacman.  It’s for this reason I’ve covered it with a Dennis the Menace plaster, prevention is better than cure and so on.

‘I’m highly suspicious of them Laura, if you are too, then I have a spare Dennis the Menace plaster you can have if you’re passing.’

Laura sent me a link which I closed down immediately
‘Thanks for the offer, Laura, but I’m not really in the mood to watch your home videos at the moment, Husband’s V+ed Silent Witness and we’re going to give that a bash.’
Laura must have been offended by this because she wouldn’t speak to me anymore and just kept sending me pop up boxes.  After closing 14 webcab offers, two competitions to win an ipad and a series of ringtone downloads my laptop was running less efficiently that it once had been.
I put it down to experience and carried on proof reading the blog.  I got about half way through when another box popped up on my screen‘commencing cache dump.’ I’m no Bill Gates but even I knew that wasn’t a good thing.  My blog disappeared, along with my photos, recipes and emails.
Fuck.
Husband knows the laptop’s got Aids.
Recovered blog:

Husband had barely spoke a word to me when we got back from Tesco, we drank wine in silence,  he didn’t give me a foot rub and when we went to bed he didn’t check the spare room for orbs which he usually does for me when we’ve been watching Most Haunted.  He went to work this without saying goodbye- he thought I was sleeping, but I wasn’t I was laying there thinking about what I had done, thoroughly ashamed of myself and my actions.
I got up, made coffee and decided to embark on a quest of self improvement.  I made a list of all the things I’ve done wrong and vowed to correct them before I lost the respect of those who love me grow weary of my failings.
As such, I hereby promise that I will step up the campaign to break the husband and blog about it with more regularity. I’m sure you agree that a bit of the ‘silent treatment’ really isn’t good enough.
I will make my pranks more outlandish and creative and try to post the report at a more conventient time of day.  I will pay more attention to my use of commas and not skimp on details.
Within an hour of writing my new charter I received a text from husband

‘Sorry I was so quiet last night, had a hard day at work and that prick in Tesco pissed me off by laughing at you when I told him that you were too embarrassed to pay for your shopping yourself. Can’t wait to see you later, we’ll watch that Justin Bieber DVD if you want?’

Fucking, fucking husband.
I’m tamping that the Bieber debacle backfired and have set about planning a long overdue housewarming party in order to cheer myself up.  I want to do something a little different and decide on an Elf’s themed costume extravaganza. I ring the husband to tell him my idea:

‘Brilliant, we can invite everyone, it’ll be a hell of a laugh- only thing is, if you’re doing it on that Friday, I won’t be finishing work til 10 so you’ll have to start without me.’ He says

‘Husband- there’s no way I can make everyone dress up as Elfs and then have you walk in at 10 in your work clothes on.’

Ever the considerate husband he comes up with a solution all on his own.

‘I know!  I can change in the toilets at work and just drive home in my costume, if you want? Will that make you feel better?’

Clever Husband.
Early evening he rang me to say he’s found an amazing Elfs costume online.  It comes with shoes and hat and will be here by Tuesday.   He’s really excited for the party, bless him, Husband loves any excuse for fancy dress.
I wonder will this still be the case when he walks into our Elvis themed party dressed like an Elf?
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