A Sunday morning in bed is a beautiful thing.  It’s on Sunday mornings that I’m most grateful that we went down the ‘three cats, 1 dog and an indiscriminate amount as fish’ route as opposed to the ‘let’s have a baby’ one.  For now anyway.  This means that I have no stress on a Sunday, and am able to enjoy my day without distraction and be free from responsibility.  Usually, anyway. This Sunday I’m tamping, because of the mole.
I expected husband to be furious, instead, he was amused.

‘That mole’s getting shoddy, weren’t even proper mole hills’he commented over breakfast.

I feigned disinterest and went in the bath.
We spent the rest of the day with my Grandparents.  We went to a car-boot sale, had lunch and walked by the sea.  Refreshed and calmed by the salty air I was a perfect Wife throughout; attentive, caring and affectionate.
In the evening, we talked, looked at old photos and shared a bottle of wine.  We went to upstairs happy, and for once, I didn’t subject Husband to a gruelling ritual of embarrassment in exchange for access to the bed.  He kissed me good-bye this morning and told me that he loves me.

Monday 21th March, 2011

Dear Mr ######,
First let me introduce myself, I am a local mole, who’s been providing subterranean ventilation for lawns in the area for a number of years.  I pride myself on my work, and have been instrumental in such local projects as ‘Grass Verge by Canal’ and ‘Green number 1 at South West Wales Garden Bowls Emproium.’   I am proud of my work, have a strong family history in the field and have a proven record with my clients.

That is why this letter is so difficult for me to write.

Lately, I have been overloaded with contracts and as such have become shoddy with my work.  Where I used to dig complex tunnels and truly ventilate gardens, the recession has meant downsizing my workforce, and I resorted to fraudulent mole hills to meet demands.

I’m ashamed of my behaviour and am contacting my clients in the hope that they will understand that I was driven to this by the pressures associated with a wife and 38 children under the age of one.

In an effort to make amends and re-establish myself as the diligent lawn ventilation specialist you’ve come to respect, I have taken the liberty of digging a large hole in the centre of your lawn.  I hope this goes some way towards rekindling the professional relationship I jeopardised.
Yours Sincerely,

I’ve sent this letter  via courier to Husband’s place of work.  He should receive it within the hour.  I’m not digging the hole myself, I have paid a Handy Man to do it, I’m going to paint my nails.