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Husband is completely over his illness and I almost wish he was sick again because the whistling and general cheerfulness is ruining my mood.
Nothing I say or do seems to be denting his demeanour, it’s like living with Ant and fucking Dec.
My mood isn’t great because my pool arrived today.
I say pool as though it’s some watery oasis of mosaicked charm, it’s not. It looks to be made of blue tarpaulin and tent poles. Still, it’ll do the do job.  When I decided that I wanted a pool I wasn’t unrealistic about the restrictions of budget and space- I knew I wasn’t going to be able to have a free form pool dug into the ground or even an above ground one encased in smooth Swedish looking wood… Why then am I so disappointed?
Because I didn’t expect it to look like a paddling pool, is why.
When I looked at the pictures online, there was a woman pictured tit height in water with her Husband and 2.4 children.  It is clear to me now that these weren’t real people, or if they were, then they must have been bollocky midgets because there’s no way that that this water will come past my kn-ankles, let alone my jubblies.
I don’t even think there’ll be room for me to wear my arm bands and I know for a fact that the inflatable hippo with drinks holder is a no-go.  Husband is more positive than me.

‘It’ll be nice, you watch- we’ll fill it with warmish water and put potted plants around it.’

‘I’d rather die that be seen in that.’

‘Come on, give it a chance, all you wanted it for was floating and reading in anyway.’

‘I’d rather die than be seen in that.’

‘I’ll set it up and see how it looks, right?’

‘I’d rather die that be seen in that.’

While watching Husband hammer away at assembling our new pool I am reminded how much I love him- a lot. There is nothing he wouldn’t do to make me happy and he’s constantly trying to think up new ways to impress me.  Unfortunately, the pool still looks shit, but I’m going to lie and say I’m grateful for his efforts.
I head outside to relay this but Husband starts speaking first:
‘Meant to say Wife, your singing yesterday was brilliant, you should start a band.’
Sarky little bastard.

‘Yeah, I know, I was going to actually.’

‘I think you’d be really brilliant babe. You should definitely start a band. You should do it and then go on X Factor.’
Sarky little bastard.

Does he honestly think I’m stupid enough to parade my rotting vocal chords on telly and humiliate myself by sounding like Mariah Carey getting raped?
‘Babe, I’m being serious, you were brilliant, you should do it, you should sing that REM song that you practiced yesterday.  They’d love it.’
Sarky little bastard.

He does not know who he’s messing with.
On a separate note:  Something very weird has happened; The front door lock has been filled with chewing gum.  I have no idea who would commit such a wanton act of vandalism but suspect the robbers who stole Husband’s clothes may be to blame.  In truth, it is but a minor inconvenience, my cousin will be able to fix it next week when he’s back from holidays.  In the meantime, any visitors can use the back gate which will give them a lovely view of our garden and swimming pool, so no real hardship.
On another unrelated note:  Friday is going to be a very busy day for me.  I am meeting an artist, and we will be discussing illustrations for the blog- I’ll be gone all day, so sadly, Husband shall be spending the first day of his 3 day weekend alone.

Advert:

POOL CLEANER REQUIRED:

Single man with learning difficulties requires pool boy to take over maintenance of garden pool.  Must be young, enthusiastic and reliable.  Client suffers from frequent short term memory loss & needs someone who is sensitive and patient. Client also partially deaf, Will be necessary to speak louder than is usual when interacting.  Excellent rates of pay, health and dental insurance, holiday entitlement and use of vehicle provided. Contact ###### (carer) on: tel.###########  to arrange an interview, or attend interview open day on Friday 8th, April between 1-6pm.

Advert:

****DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?****

********** BAND AUDITIONS: ***********

Music producer requires 4 piece boy band for reality TV show. Auditions to be held at private address, pls note entire process will be filmed by hidden cameras. Do you know how ‘not to take NO for an answer’?- Only most determined & confident artists need apply and we have designed our audition process to find them.  Dress to impress and remember, you are on camera from start to finish- DO NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER…make sure you stand out.

Audition Open day 18/04/2011 2-7pm at ## ######## ##, ##### #####, #####, ###### email: ############@gmail.com

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