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After the migrainey horror of the past 5 days, I am grateful to report that my head no longer feels as though it’s home to the chorus line of Jersey Boy’s who’re fighting over a Wizard of Oz DVD.
On Friday, instead of the 45000 CVs from boy band hopefuls I anticipated, I was greeted with a single email advising me that my advert has not been processed as my card issuer declined the transaction. The snotty nosed slag on the phone tells me this is because I made an error with the expiry date.
There must be a mistake as I don’t make mistakes.  Mistakes are for Husbands and tax offices.  I re-check the original order and realise that a card expiring 01/04 probably wouldn’t work.  This is a major hiccup and I can’t help but feel that this typo is somehow Husband’s fault.  Now, when I head out of the door on my errands later, all Husband has to do is mow the lawn and drink beer. I’m tamping.
I need to make him twitchy to buy time so I can formulate a plan B.

‘Morning Husband, I love you.’


‘I love you too baby, you feeling better?’


‘I’m alright thanks cock-mag, full of the joys of Spring. I missed you when I was sleeping.’


He’s visibly shaken.

‘Meant to tell you babe- I’ve sent that Regaine back, it wasn’t working and it smelled funny.’

Bollocks.

‘Also, I’ve thrown out all the meat Oxos and ordered a vegetable steamer.’ He tells me.

Two bollocks.

‘Yeah, I was going to say that actually, I thought of it yesterday, before you did probably…’ I reply.

‘…yeah well if being veggie is making you better we should keep it up.  Love you.’

Two mahusive bollocks and a misshapen penis called Simon.
Now I’m going to have to schedule a meat stop into my very busy day.

‘I’ve decided that I’m coming to town with you.’ Husband tells me.

Husband initially thinks that I am crying because I don’t want to spend time with him, then he realises that my headache’s probably come back and urges me to go to bed.
I’m going to leave the rest of the weekend unreported- I had a veggie BBQ and I can’t bring myself to talk about it yet.
This morning however, I feel far more positive about the vegetarianism. I must admit, the headaches although as frequent are less severe, and yesterday the Doctor said it’s a ‘step in the right direction’.  Not only that, it has highlighted just how dedicated to my health and well being my dear Husband is.
When he left early for work this morning I ventured online in search of meat free meal options and followed a slutty little recipe onto the Sainsbury’s website that promised to be both easy and satisfying.
The Sainsbury’s website is a marvellous thing.  One click and the ingredients are in my basket, and I’m proud to tell you that the whorish beef wellington flaunting itself at the top of the page was no match for my resolve.
Pleased with myself I log onto my nectar transactions and decide to pay with points.
Below is a table showing the recent purchases I have earned nectar points for and the text messages I received from Husband around the time of said purchases:
Text Message from Lying Cock-Sucker Husband
Purchases Brought Home.
Mystery Missing Purchases.
Love you so much, hope head is better, veggie thing good idea, will get V moussaka.xxx

Sainsbury’s Vegetable Moussaka, Be Good To Yourself 400g


Nurofen Migraine Pain x12

How’s your head, love you.   Actually feel healthier for being veggie, it’s a good idea babe. Do you think it’s helping your head?xxx
Sorry u r not feeling well again- poor baby, I read that cutting sugar can help? Shall we give it a go? I don’t mind; anything if it makes u better. xxx
I agree. Having couscous in a bit, shall I pick anything up? xxx
I can’t believe he actually thought he could get away with this kind of deceit.  While I’ve been sat at home eating celery (and one fillet steak, a ham and cheese sub, a McChicken sandwich and two corned beef pasties from Gregg’s)he’s been in work cheating on me with animals.
A quick internet search of ‘my husband is cheating on me with animals’ brought up a worrying selection websites.  I was unable to sign Husband up to any of them as I had first intended because my desire for revenge couldn’t match my horror at some of the stuff I have today seen.  I don’t care how liberal you are, fantasising about getting raped by the Lion King and sucking off horses is just plain wrong.  Instead, I text him:

‘I can’t believe you’re cheating on me.’

With a Ginsters pasty no less; a fillet steak I could sort of understand, a lamb shank even- but a Ginsters pasty for fucks sake? This must be exactly how Sandra Bullocks felt when her Husband shagged that tattooed munter.  I may start a support group.  In the meantime, I’ve made him a pie for dinner.

Read more: http://americymru.net/profiles/blogs/diary-of-a-crap-wife-ill-have#ixzz1JJHI3dXZ

 

 

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