ORIGINAL BLOG FORMAT WITH PICTURES AT WWW.CRAPWIFEBLOG.CO.UK AND http://craphousewife.blogspot.com/2011/03/diary-of-crap-wife-yawn-poke-gag-scowl.html

I’m having to be more covert in my attempt to break him.  My mother in law arrived this afternoon and (although she’s supportive of the campaign of torment I subject her only child to) it is difficult to get him to dunk his cock in a mug of ice-cold water (in return for access to the bed) when she’s asleep in the next room.

I’m not known for my subtlety (which is a shame because I wanted to be a spy) and the task is proving difficult.  I’m not really in a position at the moment to make him take his clothes off in the garden, and because of this I’m having to break out the ‘old faithfuls ‘.

‘Old faithfuls’ like the yawn game.  The yawn game is the simplest form of torture I have ever inflicted.  It’s so effective that he once told me that it was the most frustrating experience he’s had in 30 years on the planet.

’Then why did I stop doing it?’ I hear you ask.

Common sense.  When I started the game we were dating, and if I’d continued with it, I’d never have got him down the aisle.  This was around the same time I’d started gaining weight, and torturing him before he needed a solicitor to leave me was simply not in my best interests.

I made the decision to retire the game and save it for another day.  Like today.

I’m going to share with you the genius that is the yawn game.  It’s a simple case of patience and perseverance.

First, you must ensure that you wake your victim about three times.  There are many ways of doing this- ‘I think I heard a burglar’ is by far the most effective.

When your victim is awake, you allow them to drop off to sleep… and then wake them again.  Repeat this process 3 times and then engage them in a conversation about your feelings.

When they start yawning (which they will) poke your finger in their mouth thus making them gag and ensuring that they never complete a full yawn.

It sounds like nothing, but trust me, it’s the simplest, most effective ploy I’ve found to date.

Husband tells anyone who’ll listen that for the first year we were together I didn’t let him yawn.  This is true.  Somewhere along the line though, he’s forgotten how this made him feel.  My previous hard work with the yawn game has become nothing more than an anecdote he tells our friends, he’s forgotten the frustration.    There was no burglar and he remembers now though.

‘You’re not starting this crap again, are you?’ he asked.

‘What crap? I don’t know what you mean? What would you do if I died? Would you ever love again?’


‘The not letting me yawn crap, you know what I’m talking about. Don’t you fucking dare.  And I’d be crushed if you died. You know that.’


I tell him, ‘If I died, I don’t want you to be happy, mind.  I want you to walk ‘round with my ashes in your manbag crying at strangers.’


‘Seriously, don’t start with the yawn shit again.  I know what you’re doing.’ He says.

‘I want to be buried when I die; I want ‘Living in A Box’ played at my funeral.   I want half the people to be told my last wishes were for everyone to dress in party gear, and the other half to be told to dress in black- that way half will think the other half have been disrespectful and there’ll be fights. I want fights at my funeral.’

Yawn-Bollock Grab (you can’t be predictable)-Gag-Scowl.

‘If you start this crap up again then you’ll be put in a cardboard box with Boyzone playing while they burn you with matches.’

This is offensive to me; I’m not a fan of Boyzone.

‘That won’t happen, I’ll text my sister my wishes and jump off a bridge to spite you.  She wouldn’t let me down.’


‘You’re scared of heights and anyway, I’ll over rule her and then I’ll remarry a chav to spite you.’ He says.

‘Fine, I’ll haunt you and stick my finger up your bum before I put it in your mouth when you yawn.’ Says she.

Husband’s getting cross.  ‘I’m not having this conversation, I had 4 hours sleep last night, it’s half one and we’re up at five tomorrow.’

‘Ok, I’m sorry, I’m not really starting the yawn game again, I just didn’t want to sleep-I’m upset because I’m so fat, I feel really crap babe, I’m sure that woman in Wyevale was laughing at me today. I feel really down.’

‘Aww baby, don’t be stupid, I love you just the way you are, you’re beautiful, you’re being silly’


‘Seriously, don’t start with the fucking poking.’

‘Shhhhhh, Husband, you’ll wake your mother.’